


The One To Give

by ayainu



Series: Hidekane Week 2017 [4]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Hidekane Week 2017, Kaneki making decisions for once, M/M, Reminiscing, hidekane, light gore, mature just to be safe bc of the gore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-25
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-12-19 21:16:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11906367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayainu/pseuds/ayainu
Summary: Haise decides he'd rather be in pain because of knowing instead of being in pain while in confusion and uncertainty.





	The One To Give

**Author's Note:**

> Have some edgeneki it's been a while. Hide barely says anything in this s orry orz

_ Who was it again? _ _   
_   
Haise couldn't remember for the life of him. Some nights he lets his feet roam on their own. Let his muscle memory take him to places his actual memory couldn't reach.   
  
It was dead in the winter, a quiet chilly February night. Time passed so quickly, he could've sworn he was having a Christmas celebration with the QS children just a little time ago.   
  
His lips involuntarily tugged into a smile, recalling Saiko hopping around in her brand new onesie. Shirazu had the stupidest smile on his face. Tooru, ever so sweet and bookish, with the sparkling beauty of an entire galaxy in his eyes as he received his books. Even Urie smiled a little, as stubborn as he was. He should realize soon that his looks were going to be going to waste if he kept scowling like he always did, it was honestly not cute at all.   
  
Alright maybe it was a little charm point of his of some sort, not that Haise was jealous of how cool he always looked or anything.   
  
He finally caught up with reality when the smell of greasy fast food hit him. He was met with a huge sign that read in English block letters 'BIG GIRL'. The diner was modern looking. When he peaked through the window he noticed the retro western setting and the practically empty place.   
  
He looked at the time on his phone and confirmed that he had indeed been out more than he'd registered. There was one employee left, stacking the chairs over the tables in preparation to close the shop.   
  
Haise didn't know what overcame him, he didn't even remember the moments leading up to him pushing the door open and letting himself in.   
  
The waitress turned with a look of pure irritation, but her expression soon melted into confusion and Haise watched as that confusion turned thoughtful and then questioning as she met his eyes once more.   
  
"Sir, are you from around here?"   
  
"Not really." 'Not anymore,' he thought but didn't say.   
  
"I could swear you look exactly like a regular customer from a few years back.." she sighed, her expression twisting in grief.   
  
"I'm sure you're mistaken it's my first time in here," Haise lied easily, it wasn't the first time someone recognized 'him'.   
  
She drew a long breath and let it out in another mournful sigh. "Even the blonde one is gone, both friends just up and ditched me. They used to bring so much energy and joy to this dingy old place." She removed her apron and draped it over the counter. "Now it just feels lonely without them, it's not the same here anymore. To think the last time they visited I yelled at them for messing the table with vomit, I didn't even ask if he was okay.."   
  
"I'm sure he won't hold it on you, wherever he is." Haise wanted this conversation to be over, the amount of emotion that stirred after hearing the words blonde and friend weren't anywhere within his range of comfort.   
  
"You look exactly like him, you have the bad dye job of the idiot flirt though. Reincarnation?" She laughed at her own joke and Haise tried to laugh but what came out was far too much like a choked down sob. Again, the mention of a bad dye job curiously drew emotions from whatever jumbled mess was lying in the darkest corners of his mind.   
  
"Oh where are my manners, sorry for talking for so long about things that you don't understand, I guess I was just happy to see a familiar face, even if it's not actually familiar." Her face flushed in shame.   
  
"No it's really okay! I'm glad you could get it off of your chest at least?" Haise drew his lips in a pleasant smile. "Haise Sasaki by the way." He offered his hand.   
  
"Oh, again where have my manners gone?" She laughed. "Oohashi here, Nice to meet you!" She took his hand and shook it a bit too fast.   
  
She was a really cute girl, Haise didn't even notice in his thought consumed state. "It was nice to meet you too, I guess I'll see you around, I don't want to hold you up any more."   
  
"Oh not at all, see you then!" She gave a pleasant smile and an enthusiastic wave, Haise returned the gesture with a smaller one of his.   
  
He should stop this whole walking around at night thing, nothing good ever came out of it. It just always made him guiltier for existing.   
  
Well at least now he has a place other than that coffee shop to take the QS. Saiko would love this place.   
  
He shook his head and with it all thoughts of the encounter. It just made too much of a mess in his mind, reports painted Kaneki out of be such a heinous fiend, a beast that had no remorse. Yet every time Haise found another fragment of Kaneki he couldn't tie it to the person the reports were describing. Kaneki was loved, far more than any monster should be. By unmistakeable humans too? It just made no sense how a ruthless demon's presence could be missed by even a waitress.   
  
He shook his head like a dog until the very last traces of the encounter disappeared, what lingered though, and showed no signs of giving, were the thoughts of an energetic blonde with a bad dye job.   
  
_ Who was it that loved and loved until there was no more love to give? _ __   
  
Spring came, but April still carried along with it the biting winter wind some nights. The cherry blossoms were set to bloom soon and Haise wanted to go flower viewing with the QS. As Haise let his feet wander at their own free will once more, his mind too awake with thoughts for him to sleep, he noticed that curiously, the breeze that night was warm and gentle, as if it was carrying with it a promise of the summer to come.   
  
He thought of it as a good omen.   
  
On this walk, he found himself in a children's park, particularly in front of a weathered down old whale hill. He didn't know if the streetlights were bleaching the color or if the hill had indeed faded to such a light blue.   
  
Haise looked away the second his eyes landed on it. The mess of emotions that overcame him was too much. He learned to categorize ‘his’ pain and this pain was a bad bleach blonde pain.   
  
He sighed, he knew he shouldn't but he was too curious. What was he to him? What was their relationship? What happened to the blonde?   
  
  


He had no idea. He could guess but he didn't want to think about it. His insides were roiling with a storm of emotions with force he'd never felt before. He decided to sit on the whale hill like all his senses were telling him not to. He found himself thinking that it was far better to hurt while remembering than hurt while confused like he was. It was scary but he didn't want to keep on wondering, not knowing for sure but hurting enough. He wanted to remember, he wanted to remember at least this.

 

It happened exactly like he imagined it would, he sat on top of the hill and flashes of yellow flickered beneath his eyelids. Not much, not much but enough to make his heart beat out of his chest. To make tears spill over to his cheeks. Whoever this person was he meant more to Kaneki than anyone, more than himself, more than the world. And Haise knew he meant the same to him too.

 

He took the fact that he was out here looking for the mysterious blonde, wanting to remember him despite the possibility of disappearing himself to heart. He knew that this person was the one who made Kaneki’s heart beat and maybe who made his as well. 

 

As important as his own beating heart, irreplaceable, Haise found himself thinking.

  
_ Who was it who gave and gave until there wasn't anything left to give? _

 

He remembered. He remembered everything. He remembered everything nothing was awful, nothing was what the CCG painted him to be, nothing, nothing but one thing.

 

One thing made the CCG’s description seem not enough. Not enough to paint how much of a monster he was, not enough to point out everything wrong with him.

 

_ ‘Yo Kaneki!” _

 

_ ‘That in style these days?’ _

 

_ ‘Those injuries look really serious!’ _

 

_ ‘Oh I don't really care about that stuff.” _

 

_ ‘Let's go home.’ _

 

_ ‘One more time.. could fight with all you've got?’ _

 

_ ‘Eat me, Kaneki.’ _

 

Ah. What a fitting end to someone like him.

 

Hide gave him everything and he ate it all up. He ate it all up until there was nothing left. He ate too much and now there was nothing left. All the love, all the smiles all the warmth, it was all gone. There was nothing left, Kaneki took and took until Hide had nothing left to give and Hide was gone now and all Kaneki had to give were those pitiful tears of his.

 

So he cried and cried. He cried until there were no more tears left

 

When he got back up he fought. He fought and fought until there wasn't anything left to fight for.

 

He fixed all the wrongs he'd done to others, if he couldn't fix what he did to Hide at least he could give others what he couldn't give  _ him _ . Maybe then his sin wouldn't weigh as heavily anymore.

 

He was done. He knew he was. There wasn't anything to fight for anymore. There wasn't any reason left to fight, to live. Everyone was happy and he was a living corpse. He'd done everyone’s bidding, he'd done all that he was told to do to be a good person. He wasn't. He could never be, not when he’d drawn screams out of Hide’s lips, not when he tore meat off of his bones and tears out of his eyes.

 

So why? Why did a fabrication of his own imagination have such power? Why was it that he wanted to live despite everything? Why was it that he even had the audacity to conjure the person he’d taken everything from to give him even more?

 

He decided if he was never going to change his disgustingly selfish nature, he might as well dedicate his entire life to erasing any doubts he had.

 

Being uncertain hurt more than knowing, he knew from experience.

 

There was, even if it was a fraction, even if it was a fraction of a fraction, still a chance. A very slight one but still one nonetheless. Hide deserved to not be given up on, he deserved so much more and Kaneki was going to give it his all, even more.

 

Hide deserved at least that.

 

So he dedicated his entire being to looking for clues, anything that pointed towards the possibility of Hide being alive. Any leads, any connections, anyone involved. 

 

His talk with Takizawa Seidou had been conclusive, Seidou believed with his entire being that a ‘sneaky reptile like Hide wouldn't just die’.

 

_ “That guy, he would never put himself in a situation unless he knew exactly what the outcome would be.” _

 

Amon had also said something fishy, it almost sounded as if he knew where Hide was.

 

_ “If you could meet someone you didn't think you could again, what'd you do?” _

 

Maybe in another reality where he hadn't decided to do what mattered the most, regardless the pain, he would've said he'd be too scared, because it just meant it's possible to lose them again.

 

In this reality though, he'd made up his mind, it didn't matter how much pain he'd be in for now, all he knew was that when he found  _ him  _ nothing else would matter.

 

_ “I would give up the world and everything in it to see him again.” Kaneki had replied, simple and honest. _

 

It'd been almost surreal, when Amon led him the day after to an apartment, secluded and quiet, in a ghost neighborhood.

 

Amon knocked the door and an older man answered, he looked familiar but Kaneki couldn't quite place where he'd seen him before.

 

“Marude,” Amon greeted with a nod and Marude started to nod back until he caught sight of Kaneki.

 

“What is  _ he  _ doing here?” He sounded very angry.

 

“Marude it's not either of our places to choose things for them. All I ask of you is to tell him, whatever he decides is what happens.”

 

The older man sighed but gave in. “Fine, he looks the least bit uncomfortable it's off, and I don't care what he says. Those prosthetics aren't something he can pay for with words.”

 

“Fine.”

 

“Amon…” Kaneki’s breath was cold in his lungs, icicles in his throat. The reality of the situation hit him finally. Hide was here, he was really here and he was about to be either rejected or accepted. Was he too late? He hoped not, he really hoped not. “Is he really here…?”

 

“Yes, he might not be as you remember him but it's him.”

 

Before the conversation could carry on any longer a loud clatter came from the inside of the apartment and the sound of footsteps bounding the direction of the door came closer and closer.

 

The door was torn open and there he stood, panting, eyes wild with confusion and as many emotions as the ones the entire world carried combined. His lips were trembling as his they formed his name in soft whispers.

 

He looked.. different.

 

His eyes were sunken and tired, the deep crescents beneath them reminiscent of many sleepless nights. His hair wasn't a bright blonde any more. It was a chocolate brown, as his roots had been, and it was long, mid-back at least, but it was thin and limp, unlike the voluminous tufts from the past. If Marude hadn't pointed the fact out beforehand, he wouldn't have noticed the prosthetic arm. Ah that must've been his fault.

 

“Hide..” he stepped forward and extended his arms but stopped himself one second short. He couldn't just take, he’d promised. 

 

Hide, to his surprise, closed the distance without missing a beat, and buried his face in Kaneki’s shoulder.

 

Hide was different, but he was as warm as ever. And in that moment, with Marude glaring at him behind Hide and Amon’s eyes boring into the back of his head, he vowed that this time he'd be the one to give. His time, his love, his care and his life. He'd give them all up if it meant  _ this time _ he'd be the one to make Hide happy.

**Author's Note:**

> accompanying art on my tumblr: ayainu.tumblr.com


End file.
